The next book in my “Book Notes” series is Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. A Wall Street Journal Best Seller, the book claims that life is a series of negotiations. With over two decades in the FBI, Voss, now a consultant, became the FBI’s lead negotiator in international kidnappings. As before, I am sharing some of the main points as I make my way through the book.
Chapter 1 – The New Rules
Voss starts with a story about how he stumped two Harvard professors in a mock negotiation. His secret? He asked open-ended questions that gave the professors “the illusion of control,” but allowed him to get what he wanted. In the end, Voss says it is just a series of questions that gets the person he is negotiating with to think that their demands are unreasonable. Eventually, they “falter and negotiate with themselves.”
The tactics he employs have evolved over time. In the past, policy was to be aggressive in hostage situations: the goal was to be able to get a shot on the kidnapper. Then, the FBI started using logic to rationally deal with emotions to where each side could reach a “win-win.” Finally, the FBI determined that hostage situations were primarily emotional and that the best way to negotiate was to show a kidnapper empathy so that they felt understood.
Related quotes:
- Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.
- In this world, you get what you ask for; you just have to ask correctly. So claim your prerogative to ask for what you think is right.
- Effective negotiation is applied people smarts, a psychological edge in every domain of life: how to size someone up, how to influence their sizing up of you, and how to use that knowledge to get what you want.
Chapter 2 – Be a Mirror
According to Voss, when gathering information at the outset of a negotiation, negotiators should not make assumptions, but rather rule out hypotheses. This helps negotiators keep an open mind and stay “agile.” He states the first goal is to listen and establish trust. One way to compromise this is to move too quickly. Patience, Voss says, allows the other person to feel like they are being heard and calms them.
Next, Voss moves to demeanor and tonality when negotiating. Contrary to Voss, negotiators often think more about what they are going to say, rather than how they are going to say it. Voss introduces what he calls the “late-night FM DJ voice.” With the “late-night FM DJ voice,” a negotiator inflects her voice in a downward way that conveys “calm and reason.” In this way, she signals that she is in control.
Lastly, Voss discusses “mirroring.” For FBI hostage situations, mirroring primarily involves repeating “the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.” In doing this, “your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.” Likening it to a “Jedi mind trick,” Voss attributes the effectiveness of this because it allows a negotiator to “disagree without being disagreeable.”
Quotes from the chapter:
- Good negotiators, going in, know they have to be ready for possible surprises; great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.
- But neither wants nor needs are where we start; it begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.
- You can be very direct and to the point as long as you create safety by a tone of voice that says I’m okay, you’re okay, let’s figure things out.
Andrew T. Daniel 