Chapter 3 – Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It
In a negotiation, Voss claims that it is a mistake to try to avoid emotions and solve problems rationally because “emotions are the problem.” When emotional, it is hard to think rationally. He says the key is to label emotions to avoid having them take over. With this distance, emotions can be worked with leading to a higher probability of success.
The first step to identifying emotions is having empathy. Voss defines empathy as, “paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.” “Tactical empathy,” according to Voss, is understanding what is behind feelings to know how to proceed towards an end goal.
Once an emotion is identified, Voss advises it should be labeled. “Labeling” involves identifying a person’s feeling, stating it, and then becoming silent. Voss reveals when you “give someone’s emotion a name,” you are showing proof that you “identify with how that person feels.”
Labeling can be used to deescalate negative emotions. Voss gives an example of a grandfather upset with his family. While he is exhibiting frustration, Voss recommends addressing the sadness that may be causing the anger. A member of the family could specifically state that it seems he may feel sad that the family does not visit him enough. After labeling the negative, it’s likely the grandfather would feel understood, and from there, positive solutions could be explored.
In seeking a solution, Voss says it is important to label the fears of the counterpart. He asserts, “once they’ve been labeled and brought into the open, the negative reactions in your counterpart’s amygdala will begin to soften.” In a standoff, instead of stating that it seemed like his counterparts wanted him to let them go, Voss avowed that it seemed like they did not want to go to jail. By addressing their fear, Voss was able to get them to surrender.
Lastly, at the beginning of a semester Voss conducts a hostage role-play with a student. Students rarely volunteer, so he does not ask. He states, “‘In case you’re worried about volunteering to role-play with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance . . . it’s going to be horrible.’” By expressing the negative, it puts students fears aside and students volunteer. Applying this principle, Voss recommends doing an “accusation audit” before beginning a negotiation. An “accusation audit” is “listing every terrible thing your counterpart could say about you.” Then, a negotiator can lead with these points and take out their negative charge.
A few related quotes:
- Emotions aren’t the obstacles, they are the means.
- Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.
- Every one of us has an inherent, human need to be understood, to connect with the person across the table.
Chapter 4 – Beware “Yes” – Master “No”
Contrary to the usual negative association with the word “No,” Voss encourages getting to “No” early in a negotiation. He explains that people like to feel in control and are reluctant to change. Giving them the option to say “No” allows them to maintain a feeling of control and preserve status quo.
Voss explains that in a negotiation not every “Yes” is genuine. To avoid a disingenuous “Yes,” he advises that a negotiator should try to inhabit a counterpart’s “world and seeing and hearing exactly what they want.” Again, this will let her feel in control and allow her to say “Yes,” feeling like she made the decision on her own.
Sometimes, Voss says, getting a “No” opens a conversation. A “No” gives a counterpart a feeling of safety. After getting to this point, Voss shares that often they will become more open-minded. In this state, “people are more open to moving forward toward new options and ideas.”
Related quotes:
- “No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it.
- Getting to the point where you’re no longer horrified by the word “No” is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is “No,” you can’t negotiate. You’re the hostage of “Yes.”
Andrew T. Daniel 